If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
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I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
When he asks for feet pics
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
pls suprot
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.