If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
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When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem