@brandomonium

If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this

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@BigBec43

Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?

@TallDarknHandsy

Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?

@DrakeGatsby

Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help

@ilovepie84

I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.

@Matt_The_1st

I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan

@GrumpyBahr

If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.

@david8hughes

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

@topaz_kell

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*

@AcceptableLoses

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.