If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
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*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.