If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this

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*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”


Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.


“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”

Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.


In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.


Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.


Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.


8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”


WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer