@brandomonium

If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this

You Might Also Like

@SortaBad

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

@Probgoblin

Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.

@batkaren

“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”

Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.

@aveuaskew

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

@Jarhead44

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

@GuyAdvisor

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.

@Cpin42

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

@fro_vo

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer