If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this

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Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?


Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?


Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help


I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.


I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan


If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.


I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”


Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*


Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.