if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
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My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.