If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
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Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Same post same
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
This headline is a thing of beauty