If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
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Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky