If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
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The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Planet of the Apps.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.