If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
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My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Sooo many times…..
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
plums roundup
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.