If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
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My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.