If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
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STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days