if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
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Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Raisins are grape jerky.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags