If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
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I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
the noise i just made
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
That’s amazing.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen