If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
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QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?