If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
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Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
who did the taste test?
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.