if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
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I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills