If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
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Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.