If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.

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No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.


For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense


the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch


wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat


My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled


Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.

Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.


I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.


King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again

King (drunk af): let the horses try


Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.


I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.