If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
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Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
This was my dad’s browser history.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
The French word for sex is croissant.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.