If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
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Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
This kinda thing happens to me often
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..