if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
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FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
What’s a Messi?
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it