if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin

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I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.


If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.


Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!


Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED


The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*


There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.


ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury


Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic