If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
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Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*