If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
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Breaking news:
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]