If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
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Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Does beer think about me too?
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.