@goodgrief_rats

If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.

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@junejuly12

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

@zacharyflynn

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

@msmollybee25

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

@sweet_toof

I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing

@ristolable

I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time

@Paxochka

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

@Scimommy

Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.

@oxygenplug

“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]