If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
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The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Ummm
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
6: are snakes just neck?
why am I working on Labor Day
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
You wish you had this many chins.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.