If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
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There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”