If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
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Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
me refusing to leave twitter
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight