If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
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I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
United Steaks of America
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many