If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
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this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Come back with a warrant
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.