If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
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Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory