If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
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Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though