If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
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me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*