If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
You Might Also Like
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one