If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
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Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I feel seen
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*