If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
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My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.