Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
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My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.