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If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

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@rhysjamesy

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

@MedusaOusa

My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.

@Social_Mime

Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.

@TheRealDudish

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

@jwoodham

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

@SortaBad

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

@MomOnFire

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.