if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
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Best correction of the day, if not ever:
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I think this should do it.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous