-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
You Might Also Like
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!