If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
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never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.