If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
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I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.