If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
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My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Writing, She Murdered.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
hi why am I like this
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Unexpected Judgment
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?