@swiftenhaal

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

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@CroweJam

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

@

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

@TheWinegasm

Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.

Wait, what

@FrogAvalanche

“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.

@BuckyIsotope

*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital

@Laser_Cat

The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!

@CatherineLMK

“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”

-actual message from my mom

@AnnietheNanny1

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

@IamEnidColeslaw

it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses