If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
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[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]