If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
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This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I only treason on days ending in y
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏