@Lisabug74

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

You Might Also Like

@PinkCamoTO

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

@TurboJellyBean

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

@wendchymes

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

@SkinnieTalls

My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”

@AmericanGent69

*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!

@SarahKSilverman

From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”

@BassoonJokes

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

@lenigs17

If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile

@PaperWash

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?