@GrantTanaka

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

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@addyosmani

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

@Matt_The_1st

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN

@batkaren

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

@Thynebear

Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy

@HiddenPinky

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh

@kolchak

There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).

@Brianhopecomedy

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

@Fingers_of_Fury

You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.

@smiles_and_nods

What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?

<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-

Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.