If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
You Might Also Like
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker