Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
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I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Me recordaron éste meme
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-
Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.