If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
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That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
this is the best day of my life
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”