If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
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[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
choose your fighter
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.