If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
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“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
new year update: losing everything but weight
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Yup
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?