If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
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Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
*updates tinder bio*
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.