If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
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In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
These work great until they don’t.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer