If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
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DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset