If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
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I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”