If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
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daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!